I AM

 

I am

I got this today from my sweet co-worker Patsy Smithey. I thought it was good...

My Name is I AM

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.

Suddenly my Lord was speaking:

"My name is I AM."

He Paused. I waited.

He continued,

"When you live in the past with it's mistakes and

regrets it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I

WAS.

When you live in the future, with it's problems and

fears, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I

WILL BE.

When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am

here. My name is I AM."

Helen Mallicoat

Standing Ovation

I went to watch the movie Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium this weekend with my sister, and my nieces and nephew. It was an entertaining 80 minutes (like all Hollywood films, there were a few things I felt like saying "Er?!"), but there was one line that I just loved--it said (more or less) "Your life is an occasion, rise up to it..." What a wonderful philosophy!

Our lives are not just a series of random events that are connected by a common denominator. Our lives are a symphony--a grand event, with a spectacular (and eagerly awaited) start, to (hopefully) a standing ovation finish. Every note is an event worthy of standing alone, but made so much more sweet by sharing it with the melody or harmony that goes along with it.

And the audience--well, they are more than that. They are supporters of the composer, the written piece, and the musicians. They will relive each movement with relish, and be taken away to another time when they hear the faintest strain of the melody.

And the best part is that a symphony is well planned, well organized, and well loved. They cover all moods, emotions, and seasons. No matter what the piece, there are always fans. There are also always critics.

I am trying to let my symphony be an event, when it draws to a close, that ends with a standing ovation. Not for me, but for the composer. I want my life to reflect the craftsmanship of a master.

Listening to the Snow Fall...

 

Listening to the snow fall

A few years ago, while I still lived in Korea, the phone rang at 5:00 AM.  So in my world, when the phone rings before 6:00 AM, someone (in my mind) is either dead, in the hospital, or having a baby.  It was none of those three.  I was awakened by my friend Tim, calling to tell me that it was snowing outside.  Tim is from Australia, so this was the first time he had ever seen snow in person.  Watching it fall was a completely new life experience for him--at the age of 27! 

Now, I love snow as much as the next girl.  I love to play in it, and have been known to go out at midnight to get the good snow before the little kids get a hold of it.  But I don't love it more than my sleep at 5 AM.  So once I made sure that no one was dead, in the hospital or in labor, I (as politely as I could muster) asked Tim why on earth he needed to call.  I would have found out a few hours later when the phone call came to cancel school (or so I thought--we went to school that day anyway!).  As we rang off, Tim said something that caught my attention.  He said "Jenny, I can't get over how quiet the snow is...  I thought it would sound more like rain..." 

I had dinner with my good friend Alissa on Sunday.  We chatted and she was telling me about the snow-filled trip she recently took to Kansas.  For some reason, that early morning memory sprang immediately to mind.  All I could think of was "God is trying to get my attention, but I don't hear anything..."  I have felt that way for a very long time.  I feel like God is tugging at me, but every time I listen, I don't hear anything. 

God very often has to cause a ruckus for me to pay attention and know what is going on with Him and where He is leading.  NOW, well, now I feel like Tim did watching the snow fall.  I know it is happening, and I know that something is out there for me that I have never experienced, but I can't hear it.  My other senses are telling me that things are different right outside my front door, but I don't know what to listen for. 

I am struggling with finding God's will in one particular area in my life.  I am trying so hard to NOT be caught up in what I want, and seeking what God wants.  But if God is answering my prayers, I can't hear them.  I want to hear God thunder, I want to hear Him whistling through the trees, I want to hear Him crack like lightening.  I just want to hear Him.  But, He is falling as quietly as the snow.  

Home Sweet Home--at the end of the world?

So, most of you know that the place I have called home for the last 18 months is not, in fact, my home.  My sister Michele has graciously allowed me to share the house my parent own, and for that I am grateful.  But, as most of you can relate, I am anxious to move on/move out.  I have a million reasons to want to stay--such as cheap rent, half of the utlities, and well, the location is fantastic, but...  You know what I mean.  (I am looking in Calera.  It is a quaint little town, and it never entered my mind to look there.  I don't know why--it is really a great town.  It is not too far out from where I work, but it is not as close as where I am now.  When I first started looking, I thought "WOW--that is a long way away..."  It really isn't.  UGH!!!!  FOCUS, Jenny!  Back to the topic at hand)  Don't get me wrong--it is not that I am not happy where I am, I just need more room.  I need more room for. . .

1.  My shoes.  Yes.  That is really at the top of my list.  I have some awesome shoes and CANNOT find them.  I hope the moths haven't eaten them.

2.  My Dog.  He has a huge yard, that he has demolished.  He needs his own place where I don't mentally write down how much I am going to have to pay to repair what ever it is he has broken.  Too bad the moths can't eat him!!!  (JUST KIDDING!!!!)

3.  My beautiful Korean furniture (which is worth a lot more than I would like to think I spent on furniture).  It is a beautiful reminder of my life in Korea and of all the blessings I experienced while living in Korea.  It is also in the garage.  In the non-climate controlled garage.  I hope the moths haven't eaten them.

4.  My hanging clothes... which are currently in my closet, in my armoir, in the hall closet, in my parents closet and in the garage in boxes.  The same non-climate controlled garage mentioned above.  I hope the moths haven't eaten them.

5.  My junk drawer.  I don't have one here.  So all my junk is strewn around the house.  I need a drawer for it.  Then I might not have as much.

6.  My framed art work.  It has no home.  No where to be seen and enjoyed.  No where to be loved.  That is why I had it framed--I love it and want to enjoy it.  Hard to do in the non-climate controlled garage. 

7.  My soul.  I need room to be me again.  If I am in a foul mood (hard to believe, I know!), I need to be alone.  REALLY alone.  Out in Calera by myself alone.  (Get the picture there?!)  If I need the whole living room floor for some inane idea I have for  my kids in my classroom, I can have it--no questions asked!  Selfish--maybe just a little.  But I would give it up, if asked.

8.  My relationship with my sister.  (Which, in hind sight, should be 1 on my list, not my shoes...  She can't be eaten by moths, nor do I want her to be!)  She and I truly are good friends, but. . .   even the best of friends need space.  Michele is an introvert.  I am NOT.  Michele likes Survivor.  I do not.  Michele likes to sleep really, really late on Saturdays.  I cannot.  Michele has put up with a lot from me, over the last 18 months.  What started off as a few months turned into 6, then 12, and now 18.  Yeah.  Some of you think she ought to be sainted.  I might agree.  But, I want us to keep our close friendship, and living together permanently, is NOT a good idea.  We work well together, but better apart.  (Sounds like some line a former BF fed me when we broke up!!!!)

9.  My independence.  I know--I am such an independent spirit!  I love to be uninhibited, and FREE!  But, I have forgotten what it was like to be independent.  I have started to rely on Michele, and I need to rely on myself.  I need to be self-sufficient.  Until I meet a man and get married, that is.  Then I am happy to rely on HIM as much as he wants and I need!  Now, I am not talking about leaving God out of the equation, but I am talking about things like remembering to pay the bills on time, and monitoring the thermostat so that the power bill isn't overwhelming each month.  THOSE kinds of things.  You know, normal ADULT things that you learn as you grow up.

So I just went back and reread this silly little posting, and realized--so many of these things I have listed are so temporal.  But valuable, none-the-less.  I don't think it is wrong to have posessions, or to enjoy the ones you have.  I think God intended for us to enjoy the earth He created and the things in the earth... just not more than we love and enjoy Him.  But, anyhow, as I looked over that list, I thought, "A lot of this I would give up when I get married, so why is it so critical now?!"  I don't know.  I wish I did.  Maybe because I don't know when that time will come, or maybe because I think that I cannot think of being married (or finding someone) until I have truly lived on my own.  Any ideas?! 

Anyhow, as things progress, I will keep you posted.  NO, Calera isn't the end of the world, but it might just be the beginning of my world....