God Thunders--and I Quake

A while back, I blogged about wanting God to thunder in my life. What was I thinking? 
Back when I was in high school, a couple of my friends--not my closest friends, but close enough, were in a band. This was just as Smashing Pumpkins were getting popular. Their signature song (or at least the one I remember them for) was "Today" by the SPs. It says "Today is the greatest day you've ever known..." And just like most of my blogs, a song triggers my mental meandering. Today is NOT the greatest day... 
My dad went in for a routine heart procedure and ended up having to have a triple bypass. Not how I anticipated the day going. Yesterday, I wrote about running from God. He sure has an interesting way of reminding me that I need to be running towards Him, not away from Him. A few weeks ago, I got an email from my Dad. He was so positive--it blows my mind. His faith is so inspiring. Here are a few lines from his letter...
"I'm counting on your prayers as Mom and I go through this together. I don't know what all will be involved in the days ahead but I can say with assurance the this did not catch our Father by surprise and He knows every turn that it will take and He is going to be honored through it."
These last few weeks have been a bit like this game of hide-and-go-seek. Except I am at a disadvantage. It is like when you play with your little niece, nephew, and they think they are so clever. I am thinking that I am so clever, but I am not. I am the farthest thing from it. God knows where I am hiding--and today He called me out. He told me--"Enough, Jenny. Enough hiding. You NEED me. You are being stubborn and selfish and stupid. You need me and you need to admit it." God thundered at me today. 
I think I want the snow back.

Listening to the Snow Fall

Listening to the snow fall A few years ago, while I still lived in Korea, the phone rang at 5:00 AM.  So in my world, when the phone rings before 6:00 AM, someone (in my mind) is either dead, in the hospital, or having a baby.  It was none of those three.  I was awakened by my friend Tim, calling to tell me that it was snowing outside.  Tim is fromAustralia, so this was the first time he had ever seen snow in person.  Watching it fall was a completely new life experience for him--at the age of 27!   Now, I love snow as much as the next girl.  I love to play in it, and have been known to go out at midnight to get the good snow before the little kids get a hold of it.  But I don't love it more than my sleep at 5 AM.  So once I made sure that no one was dead, in the hospital or in labor, I (as politely as I could muster) asked Tim why on earth he needed to call.  I would have found out a few hours later when the phone call came to cancel school (or so I thought--we went to school that day anyway!).  As we rang off, Tim said something that caught my attention.  He said "Jenny, I can't get over how quiet the snow is...  I thought it would sound more like rain..."   I had dinner with my good friend Alissa on Sunday.  We chatted and she was telling me about the snow-filled trip she recently took to Kansas.  For some reason, that early morning memory sprang immediately to mind.  All I could think of was "God is trying to get my attention, but I don't hear anything..."  I have felt that way for a very long time.  I feel like God is tugging at me, but every time I listen, I don't hear anything.   God very often has to cause a ruckus for me to pay attention and know what is going on with Him and where He is leading.  NOW, well, now I feel like Tim did watching the snow fall.  I know it is happening, and I know that something is out there for me that I have never experienced, but I can't hear it.  My other senses are telling me that things are different right outside my front door, but I don't know what to listen for.   I am struggling with finding God's will in one particular area in my life.  I am trying so hard to NOT be caught up in what I want, and seeking what God wants.  But if God is answering my prayers, I can't hear them.  I want to hear God thunder, I want to hear Him whistling through the trees, I want to hear Him crack like lightening.  I just want to hear Him.  But, He is falling as quietly as the snow.

Even Starbucks Isn't Far Enough...

Even Starbucks Isn’t Far Enough...

I know this is totally showing my age, but do you remember that song by the Flock of Seagulls called I Run?  It is about a guy running from a girl.  That is not what tonight's blog is about.  But as I sit here with a blank screen in front of me, I keep hearing the chorus of that song--I Ran, going through my head over and over again.  (Though it could be worse--it could be the song I heard as I walked into Sunday School this morning at Moes!)  So anyhow, God and I are in the middle of a smack down.  I know, even now as I struggle, who is going to win.  (SPOILER ALERT:  It isn't going to be me!)  But yet here I am running from Him because I don't like what I know what He is saying to me.  Today in church, my heart and mind were torn into a million little pieces.  I have been diligently praying for things to fall into place.  I want my life in my neat little image of what life should be.  If my life were a TV show, I would want it to be called "Jenny Knows Best."  Oi--I digress.  
After being battered and smacked down again and again in church, I skipped Bible Study (I don't call it Sunday School any more because Benita makes fun of me!).  I just kept thinking "I can't handle this any more.  I have to get away from God."  So I went to Starbucks.  Let's face it--what can't a latte fix?  I even got my sister to go with me so that I wouldn't be alone.  We had some great sisterly bonding time, but it was NOT where God intended for me to be this morning.  And since I ran from Him, He made sure I ran smack dab into Him.  At Starbucks.  With my non-fat Honey Latte.  Michele kept asking these really tough questions--questions I didn't have the answer to.  She kept making observations that I am scared of.  She made me think.  She made me see how selfish I am being.  Thanks, God.  
The Honey Latte was delicious, by the way.  I highly recommend it.  
So anyhow, back to the whole running away business.  I don't even think I realized I had done that until I was speaking to Derek later on today on the phone, and he asked the right question and out came the answer.  And I didn't like the answer.  But it was stark, honest and raw.  I was running away from the one thing that can take care of my concerns and issues.  Why?  
Why?
Why?
Why?
I don't know.  You would think that by this point in my life that I would learn from my mistakes.  Whatever.  I am still the 6 year old that accepted Jesus into her life and heart.  I don't think I will ever get past that.  I think I have phases of growth where the obvious childishness of my ways isn't so obvious, but let's face it--I am still sitting at the kitchen table in the "Cold House" in Pusan, Korea, on Easter Sunday, 1982.  
You see, I want to move forward in my life.  I know where I want to go, but for some reason, God isn't cooperating.  I know.  What is going on?  In church today,Les gave an amazing sermon.  Wow.  It broke me into a million little different pieces.  Because it was an arrow aiming straight to my heart.  It was painful.  It was cathartic (until I decided to run).  It could be life changing.  If I would take off my costume make up and step out of the WWF ring that I feel like I am in.  
I realized today, that after years of praying for what I wanted--which in this case is to get married and have beautiful children, that God hasn't had that in my Plan.  (Yes--that is Plan with a capital P.)  But here is the catch--you see, I have self righteously said "I am doing what God is asking, and He is just not blessing me.  He has forgotten me."  What a load of tripe.  You see, today was about wisdom.  How we all have seasons in our life and we have to know which season we are in, and know that God looks at our past choices and our current circumstance, and our FUTURE circumstance.  I can't seem to see past the end of my nose, much less my past, present and future.  
Anyhow, I realized something--that my prayers--as sincere as they have been, haven't fitted into my circumstances of the "here and now," into this season of my life.  I need to change my prayer to asking God to be the guardian of my heart--since I am obviously not doing that very well.  I am praying that God is answering my desire for a family with "Grow, Jenny!" rather than "No, Jenny."
So, it all goes back to 2 questions:  "Why?" and "If Starbucks isn't far enough, then what is?"