Pitiful Chooser:

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
*Public Domain

If I have one strong childhood church memory it would be singing "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" in Korean church. I don't know why it is such a strong pull but every time I hear it I am transported back to Hai Yun Dai Baptist Church and the cold, hard, brown, wooden pews. It is such a vivid memory that I can't help be feel like I am 7 again. I can hear the piano and organ in the background as the congregation shuffled to their feet to sing. It was such a staple to me--I often *think* I remember it being sung every Sunday in Korean church. I am sure it was not…

It was not until adulthood that this song began to mean something more than a fond memory to me--until I truly experienced the proneness to wander and the unfailing redeeming love of God. My favorite verse of the song is the 3rd verse, quoted above. I love this verse because I think it exemplifies the struggle man faces when it comes to a relationship with God. (Side note--it is the only verse that has remained unchanged from the original over the last 250+ years.)

Robert Robinson penned Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing at the ripe old age of 22. Yep--he wrote one of the most profound hymns at the age of 22. When I was 22, the only thing I wrote was my name at the bottom of the credit card receipt. At the age of 22, Robinson had more understanding of God than most people do at 72. He understood several things about God and Man. Things I have struggled my entire life to know. He knew that:

1) We as humans are pitiful: In the original version of the song he says, "Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, Till released from flesh and sin." He understood that as humans our very nature was in direct opposition to God and that causes our sorrow--that natural inclination to sin. When will our souls find true peace? When we are released from flesh and sin. We can be released from sin before being released from our flesh, but none of us can maintain that purity because of our flesh. "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."

2) We as humans have the free will to choose: There are so many references in this hymn to our freedom to choose--though many of those references refer to asking God to take that choice away--"Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God," "Let thy goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to thee," and "Here's my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above." When I hear these phrases I think of one theme--God, I love you and I don't want to mess it up, so take me, take my will, take my heart. I give it to you freely and know that in your hands, all is well. The only problem with that is when I change my mind. Which I do often. Because I am pitiful. Like the song says, I am prone to wander. And God lets me, because He is God. He doesn't want me, my will and my heart if it's not an offering. Though I may wish to be leg shackled to God, God doesn't roll that way.

3) And even though we are pitiful choosers, God's grace is enough: "Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise," "He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood," and "Here I raise my Ebenezer; Here by thy great help I've come; And I hope, by thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home." The words don't say, "Streams of mercy, dribbling past me," or "He sometimes rescues me from danger…" No! God's grace and mercy are in abundance and are always available. His grace, to quote a current praise song, is enough. His grace will always provide. In Hebrew, Ebenezer literally means, "stone of help" and is often biblically translated to mean "God has led us thus far." If God has led us thus far, then is He going to stop now? He hasn't stopped leading me thus far and let's face it, I have tried His patience! God is our stone of help, our Ebenezer. Raise your Ebenezer--your monument to God's grace that has brought you this far.

You see that is the ultimate struggle man faces when it comes to our relationship with God. We do not accept that His grace truly is more than enough--and though our hearts desire to be one with God, it is our inability to accept His grace that causes us to wander. That feeling of unworthiness is what really moves us away from God. This undeserving feeling takes on many forms--pride, desire for acceptance by the world, temptation... We are constantly seeking quick fixes for the God-chasm in our lives. We don't feel worthy of His unconditional love and acceptance so we look outside of Him to find it. And when the world fails us, it only reinforces our feeling of unworthiness. It's a catch-22. The only way to break it? To accept that we are not worthy but that "He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood."

Oh Robert Robinson--I doubt when you wrote Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing you ever imagined that I would need those stalwart words today to remind me that God is enough--even when I am a pitiful chooser. (Which sort of rhymes with pitiful loser… Same, same, right?)

PS The link is to a version of the song by Mumford and Sons... Excellent version!

Jenny A-Z

A

- Available: Not so much until March 31…

- Age: I admit to 29. I now have anniversaries of my 29th birthday. And No—I won’t tell you how many anniversaries I have had!

- Annoyance: miscommunication! Say what you mean and mean what you say!

- Animal: Elephants. As long as they are not chasing after yummy food. With me and a friend on their backs. I wonder... do I have room for a baby one in my back yard?

B

- Beer: doesn’t have to change colors. Enough said.

- Birthday: December 22

- Best Friend: Benita

- Blind or Deaf: Blind to the obvious, deaf to logic? Does that count?

- Best weather: Fall and spring are perfect temperature-wise. Sometimes summer—if I am at the beach or pool. Occasionally winter—like yesterday when we got snow. How’s that for straddling the fence?

- Been in Love: Yes—it’s the best and the worst all rolled in one.

- Believe in Magic: nope

- Believe in Santa: Yes… strangely since I don’t believe in magic.

C

- Candy: Snickers or Reeces (cups, not pieces!)—it’s a photo finish

- Color: green or violet

- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate—hands down.

- Chinese/Mexican Food: love both, but eat more Mexican

- Cake or pie: Red Velvet Cake… or white cake/white icing—almond flavored.

- Continent to visit: Africa or Australia. Have family in Oz, so that would be way cool, but Africa has elephants—also way cool. But elephants don’t love me, so…

- Cheese: Makes everything better. Seriously. It’s been tested and proven. Try it if you don’t believe me. ☺

D

- Day or Night: night owl reporting for duty… at midnight! ☺

- Dancing in the rain: YES!!! Best memory of it?! Jenni, Elizabeth, Beth, Angie and I dancing in the rain in front of the entire freshman pledge class of Sigma Chi.

E

- Eyes: blue-ish grey and green sometimes too… Depends on what I am wearing.

- Everyone's got: potential. Live up to it!!!

- Ever failed a class: High School Algebra. Yuck. I hated it. I was a Larry Bird—practicing 2 hours a day, but it just didn’t help. Sorry Mrs. Lee.

F

- First thoughts waking up? Seriously?! (No—that really is my first thought…)

G

- Greatest Fear: Snakes... or someone I love dying. Probably not in that order, though!

- Goals: to write words correctly—not using txt type.

- Gum: Big Red. Maybe it was the commercials from when I was growing up?! Or maybe it’s because it’s spicy. I like spicy!

- Get along with your parents: YES! I admire all that they have done—and will do.

H

- Hair Color: dark blonde

- Height: 5'8-5’9

- Happy: Choosing to be everyday!

- Holiday: My birthday. But since that is not recognized by any government agency, I would have to say 4th of July. It is half-way through my summer vacation and I am just about antsy to get back to work—but not quite! Oooo…. or Columbus Day.

- How do you want to die: in my sleep peacefully as a very old woman, not with my eyes open, and screaming. That indicates a very painful ending.

I

- Ice Cream: Chocolate peanut butter anything.

- Instrument: Flute… tried guitar for a while, but…. Would like to learn (really learn) guitar. Have one in my closet gathering dust!

- Jewelry: I almost always wear my sapphire ring and cross necklace.

- Job: first grade teacher and domestic goddess. It is hard to juggle them both, but both are a calling I cannot avoid….

K

- Kids: Wally—though he really doesn’t count, does he?

- Kickboxing or karate: KICKBOXING!!!!

- Keep a journal: Always have done… I would grab it if my house were on fire.

L

- Love: Freely given, freely taken—no strings attached.

- Laugh: love those belly laughs—the ones that you can’t stop!!! Giggling is fun, too.

M

- Movies: Where do I begin? Not big on action flicks—though Braveheart is one of my all time favs. I am willing to pay matinee price for most movies, and full price for just a few.

- Motion sickness: Blessed—don’t suffer!

- McD’s or BK: If on a desert island and had to choose… BK. Assuming there are no Starbucks around!

N

- Numbers: don’t make sense to me, so why have a favorite or least favorite?

- Nickname(s): Jen is the only one I answer to anymore. Although I get called Cooper a lot—and I like that one, too. It all started in college when my roommate was also called Jenny (with an i, though…) There had to be some way to differentiate between us. And Cooper it was!

O

- One wish: Can’t share—it won’t come true!!!! ☺ But if I were to get ONE MORE wish, it would be to have as much time with the people I love as possible. Oh—and summer vacation year round. I guess that is ONE MORE wish on top of the one I just filched.

P

- Pepsi/Coke: Diet Pepsi

- Perfect Pizza: Joe’s pepperoni with pineapple and jalapenos. Unbeatable!

- Piercings: Ears. I had my bellybutton pierced once when I was in the Philippines—it wasn’t a good idea… 3rd world country and all… then it got infected and I had to take it out. Should have known better, eh? OUCH!!!! I call it my “I’m turning 30” crisis.

Q

- Quail: I've never had it. I have had pigeon—at the American Restaurant, in Hong Kong. YUMMY.

R

- Reality T.V: The Amazing Race and the recaps with Lee and Michele the next day.

- Radio Station: 100.5 usually….

- Roll your tongue in a circle: yes—thanks for the genetics, Mom and Dad!

- Ring size: 7

S

- Song: Currently—Viva La Vida by Coldplay (or any of their songs really….) and Free Fallin’ acoustic version by John Mayer.

- Shoe size: 8.5 or 9 depending on the shoe!

- Salad Dressing: Italian

- Sushi: Surprisingly, I like it…. and I can’t/don’t eat fish… Who knew?

- Shower: every day—sometimes 2x a day.

- Strawberries/Blueberries: blueberries AND strawberries… Don’t make me decide!

T

- Tattoos: I don’t have any, but some can be attractive on the opposite gender!!!!

- Time for bed: anytime between 7:30 and midnight.

- Thunderstorms: I curl up in a ball under my covers and rock while sucking my thumb… but other than that, they are GREAT.

U

- Unpredictable: my hair.

V

- Vacation spot(s): Krabi, Thailand, with a 36 hour layover in Bangkok! (And NO spending the night in the airport ever again in Thailand—Hannah and Jon!!! I’m too old for that!!!)

W

- Weakness: just say “please” and I will have a hard time saying no. Ask my friends.

- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: HOPEFULLY none of my friends act like me—if they did, who would bail me out of trouble when I get knee-deep in?

- Worst feeling: apathy—I have to agree with Lee on this one… That or the one I get often when I wonder, “Did I turn off the oven?” and I am at school. That one stinks, too.

- Worst Weather: hot and humid with a thunderstorm.

X

- X-Rays: This year—none. But it is ONLY March. Oh wait—I did have one when I had some dental work done back in January. I guess that counts, eh? Oh wait—that was December, so… No—none this year.

Y

-Year it is now: 2009

-Yellow: reminds me of the sunny beach at Boracay—one of my all time favorite vacations. Thanks, Hannah, Benita and Lonna!

Z

- Zoo animal: Elephants and monkeys. For very different reasons. Fortunately, the elephant can’t throw their feces like the monkey, but monkey’s are just so funny… Gotta love those opposable thumbs….

A blessed member of the 99%

The word blessed is used so often now--I don't know if I am noticing it more or if it's become an "it" word. The word blessed means several things. Dictionary.com gives the following definitions:

1. consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified
2. worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship
3. divinely or supremely favored; fortunate
4. blissfully happy or contented.

Most people, I think, mean the final definition when they say blessed--blissfully happy or contented. "I am so blessed to have won X award!" or "I feel so blessed to have scored the winning touchdown in the championship game." Blessed has ceased to be a Godly word and has become a catchy self-righteous phrase.

When I use to say it, I think I started off meaning divinely favored but I think it slipped into blissfully happy. I feel like I had forgotten the true meaning of the word blessed. I had a job I adored, my family was in good health, I had a home and a dog I love.

Then about 18 months ago I lost my job and I began a journey that has led me to the realization of exactly HOW blessed I am. Exactly how Divinely favored and fortunate I am. You see, God provided me a job that meets my needs. I am not employed full time yet but I have a job and my mortgage get paid every month. Some months I eat peanut butter sandwiches every day for lunch and some months I can afford to eat out a little.

You see, I don't have the life I grew accustomed to while I was teaching. I can't afford it. But I made the choice to take a job that gives me enough to meet my needs, not get into any more credit card debt (and continue to pay off the debt I already incurred) and remember every day that I am Divinely favored. It is not easy. But that is a heck of a lot better than just being blissfully happy in my book.

I don't blame big corporation for my bad luck or for my financial struggles--it is because of them our country is great. It is the innovation of ideas that have given rise to the factories that dot our landscape. It is the creativity of great American minds that has led to an easier way of life--just think of the recently late Steve Jobs. It is because of the tenacious spirit of the American people that we have continued to thrive through war, famine, depression and national tragedy. We were not a country of whiners. Until now.

As I have been watching the news on TV and seeing all of the discontent that has been bred over the last several years, I am amazed. I see people who appear to be healthy, have a home to go home to when they get done protesting or working--which ever they choose that day, clothes on their back, Starbucks coffee cups in their hands, and dissatisfaction in their hearts. All because they view themselves as a "have not."

They are NOT the have nots. They claim to be the "99%." 99% of what, I ask myself? Once they get whatever it is they are seeking--are they willing to acknowledge that they themselves are actually a part of the 1%? As Americans, they possess and have access to more of the worlds wealth than anyone else? Are these malcontents really willing to give up to the other 99% of the world their share of what they're demanding of Wall Street?

Just curious.

25 Things to Know about Me

1. I am a writer. Well, I imagine myself to be one. Nothing is more inspiring (or scary, really) than a blank word document and an idea niggling to get out of my brain.

2. I love the Twilight series. And I am 33 years old. They say admitting it is start to recovery... Oh--Team Edward all the way....

3. I like to sing. I am not so good at it, but I like to do it.

4. I no longer kick walls when I am mad. I gave that up in high school when I put my foot through some sheet rock... not realizing what sheet rock was and that it was not as durable as the cement walls I was used to. Imagine the broken toes I could have avoided?

5. I have a Starbucks addiction that I am currently seeking a patch for.

6. I love grilled chicken quesadillas--with the veggies. They rock.

7. I have lived overseas more of my life than I have lived here in the US. But I feel more comfortable here than there.

8. I secretly want to marry an English man. I am not sure if it is the lure of England (one of my favorite places!), the accent or the fact that there are none around here. You pick.

9. I hate camping. Every snake in the great outdoors is just plotting to get near me and attack. They have been told since hatching by their mother's that their life's goal is to find me. (And I bet you think I am kidding about this one, aren't you?)

10. I use commas too much in my writing. Just ask Dad. Actually, I am not good with punctuation in general, so....

11. I sometimes forget to feed Wally. :(

12. I love to travel--I thought I had gotten it all out of my system when I lived in Korea, but I guess not since I am already trying to figure out a way to go somewhere way cool. I miss the days of deciding a week out of a holiday that I wanted to go to New Zealand or Thailand. (Thanks for the memories, Benita!!!!)

13. I am not good at doing nothing.

14. I learned Portuguese in college so I could take a night class rather than have to take a language during the day and do the language lab. Do I remember any of it?! Not so much...

15. My college roommate was named Jennifer, too. We both went by Jenny. (Me with a "y" and her with an "i." Talk about fun confusion when the phone rang--"Can I speak to Jenny/Jenni?" It's not like I could say "with an "i" or a "y"?")

16. I love to go to Starbucks with my sisters (Lee and Michele) to feed my coffee addiction. We have the best time--sisters=friends.

17. I love elephants. I am not sure where this adoration for the pachyderm came from--maybe it was listening to The Baby Elephant March on the 8-track player in our car growing up... Too bad my yard is barely big enough for Wally.

18. I like classical music. It is relaxing.

19. I prefer my hair straight, but it takes too much work. I would much prefer to have the extra 40 minutes of sleep in the mornings....

20. I am finding this task harder than it looks! I wonder if it is cheating to use that as one my unique things? I am going to vote no.

21. I love shoes! I have a bunch of cool ones (from the retail therapy I try to avoid) but usually end up wearing the same 5 pairs all the time.

22. My most memorable vacation was to Italy--despite the stolen purse and passport. On the upside--the stolen postcards were mailed for me! :) I spent the first few days thinking, "Am I really here?" Good times, Sara and Benita!

23. I can't eat seafood. I have been known to try it on occasion, but....

24. I love my job.

25. I am petrified of the dentist. My goal for 2009 is to go to the dentist with out crying. Seriously. Thanks to the modern marvel that is Korean dentistry, I face my fear every cleaning.

Inequalities:

Tonight I was in Target--one of my favorite passtimes--with my sister Michele picking up a few necessities… and a few unnecessities, too! As I was browsing in the stationary aisle (my favorite aisle in the store!) I saw a spiral notebook that said "I>u." The first grade teacher in me kicked in and I immediately thought "hungry alligator eats the bigger/greater value." And as it dawned on me the message on the cover, everything inside me rebelled. (For once I rebelled at the right thing!) The selfishness and the me first attitude that was conveyed with those three characters was mind boggling.

We live in a culture that has lost respect for the needs of others. Selflessness has become synonymous with "door mat" and looking out for number one has become de rigueur. Since when did people looking out for others and doing a kind turn become almost foreign to us?

Philippians 1:20-21 says, "According to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not even be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Those verses right there are the antithesis of "I>u" whether the u is others or the U is Christ. To live is Christ and to die is gain is the least selfish thing you can do--dying to Christ ultimately means that you put yourself aside and "I" is no longer important. I am not defined by these things--they are not who I am.

So here I am thinking of my own inequalities…

I